It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
