Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
