can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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