Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
