My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You're like the curious george of whores
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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