I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
