Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
