omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
