paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
