my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
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Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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