she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I am available for nakedness
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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