just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
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idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
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Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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