saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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