If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
