my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
where are you?
Hypothermia
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
