we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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