Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
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