Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
