BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
