Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
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