now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Randomize
