textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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