So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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