Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
