Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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