yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
