Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
