I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Randomize
