I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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