forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Last time i carry you out of a forest
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
