Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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