dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
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Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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