she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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