I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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