I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
