you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
