No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
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