if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
