It's Friday. Sex?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
