I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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