When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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