We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
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I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
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"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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