I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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