So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
