If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
He better not be in your backpack
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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