don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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