You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
