Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
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Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
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I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.