Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.