Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
