you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
