every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
