You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
