last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
