Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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