Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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