A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
