Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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